First days....

We've had a busy couple of days.... First day of school Monday for the Cody, Hannah, & Lucas. Dropped Rachel off today and her first day is tomorrow.  Sometimes I'm not sure how we got here. Time seems to go by more quickly than I'd like.  This is our 12th year of cyber homeschooling... there are days I think I have this figured out and others I think why am I doing this?

This year I did have it together enough to take pictures:

                               A senior, 7th grader, & 5th grader.

Dropping Rachel off this year was harder and easier at the same time. Last year was fraught with emotions and anxiety (on her and our parts). This 
year she was confident and excited. Me, I was proud! You see we planted with the harvest in mind and I can't wait to see what the Lord does in her life.

I was not on the ball enough to get a picture of Rachel at school. I did however find this picture from nineteen years ago. Nineteen years ago

I never in my wildest dreams thought about the time when I would drop this sweet babe off at college.

Here's to a fantastic new school year! 

Changes

“Two sounds of autumn are unmistakable...the hurrying rustle of crisp leaves blown along the street...by a gusty wind, and the gabble of a flock of migrating geese.” 
― Hal Borland

This morning when I took the dog out I noticed the leaves on the dogwoods are turning and the geese are overhead. We are entering a new season, as well as a new season of life. School is starting for another year and the children are getting older.

No longer do we have the chaos of little ones. Instead we have the growing pains of independence seeking tweens and teens. Getting ready for the start of school is a whole new ball game... less physical and more mental prep so to speak.

Rachel is getting ready to head back to Eastern to start her sophomore year. Less nerves this year and less list frenzy. Cody is starting his senior year. He is trying to discern what God's plan for his life. Hannah is starting 7th grade and Lucas 5th... when we first started this journey Hannah was a wee lass and Luke not even born.

This has been a busy month. Because of the business of getting Cody into the NIH, the plan was quitting my position and substitute teaching. However, I was blessed with the opportunity of a part time TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) position and we felt that was a better option. So not only are we getting ready for school but getting ready for the change that this will bring to our school schedule. Blessedly we will have the first two weeks of school to get in the swing of things before any big changes occur.

Mike's parents were able to visit from North Carolina for a couple of days which was a huge blessing!

And Cody had his first Actemra infusion. The difference afterwards was amazing. After weeks/months of constant pain he was like a whole new kid. A week later however was disappointing. On Monday he seemed to be coming down with a cold and Tuesday we spent the day at a nearby zoo and caverns. By Wednesday he was having difficulty moving. Another med issue is for awhile he has been on Cymbalta for pain~ he has been concerned of late that his mood swings and agitation are side effects so we stopped the Cymbalta for now. Hopefully this small flare is from the cold and he will recover quickly.

As we move ahead next week into a new season of our lives I am clinging to these verses:

                                   Psalm 27:13&14 
         I remain confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord!

24 days till school starts?? Where did summer go?

I'm not exactly sure where July has gone.  It seems to have came and went far too quickly.

We have 24 days till school starts. Normally at this time of year I am filled with excitement about a fresh new start to school... this year... well I'm having a difficult time.

This calendar year... so far has been such a tumultuous one. Mike's PSA level was 0 on July 2nd~ Praise God! I don't think I'd really taken a breath since his diagnosis February 12th.

Cody is entering his senior year of high school... although it seems like just yesterday he started kindergarten. He has not had the best summer- pain wise- so the goal is to get his pain/flares under control so going away to college next fall (next fall?? really am I old enough to have 2 college students?) is a viable option for him.

It seems his run with Orencia is coming to an end and a new infusion medicine is in his future. Which also means starting infusions at the hospital again instead of home ~ sigh~.

I have been feeling emotionally fragile these days... it seems as if the slightest thing can bring me to tears. But one thing I have been learning this bitter and yet sweet year is that God is gracious, merciful, and patient as He teaches me. I am learning that I don't have to have it all figured out because He can and will redeem my mistakes. And most importantly- a little grace can go a long way. 

What does it mean to persevere ?

1. persevere(Verb)

 To persist steadfastly in pursuit of an undertaking, task, journey or mission in spite of distraction, difficulty, obstacles or discouragement

Tonight for the second time this weekend, I have left the house in tears. I work nights ...Thursday, Friday & Saturday nights... I have done this coming up on a year now. I left the house in tears because Lucas was in tears. The last 4 months have been miserable. Since Mike's cancer diagnosis in March, Lucas has been struggling with a great deal of anxiety.

Realistically we have reasons to be anxious... financial, physical, etc. However, Lucas starts being anxious that he's going to be anxious and ends up making himself physically ill. It is very hard to walk out the door for 10 hours while the house is in chaos. Lucas said to me earlier tonight, "Saying you trust God is easier than actually trusting Him Mom", don't we all know it!

I am the first one to admit this job is most likely my Ishmael attempt.  What do I mean?  God promised Abraham that he & Sarah would have a son, but Abraham didn't wait for God's provision and had Ishmael with Hagar (Sarah's servant) ...which we all know has caused great grief in the middle east. And this job while until recently has helped keep our house... it has caused great grief.

So tonight I have been playing Lucas's words over and over in my mind. How do we actually trust God and not just say we do? I believe the answer lies in perseverance.  I believe God can and will show up.  My experience has been He is never late and always on time.  But waiting has never been my strong suit...

You can't make this stuff up...

Life is amazingly crazy at times.  Yesterday was one of those crazy days. Yesterday morning as I sat doing my devotions, Mike calls me into the downstairs bathroom and I was met by the lovely scene of sewage backing up all over the floor.  Thankfully we were able to contain it to the bathroom until the plumber came (ejector pump was clogged by part of the float).  A short while later I was across the street talking to my neighbor... we noticed a huge snake under my car... that proceeded to climb up into the engine of the car.  I was telling people it was 3 foot long, Mike corrected me later it was actually 4 foot long...ugh! 

I have been struggling with all the craziness in my life at late. Yesterday was a big struggle to not descend into the trap of discouragement.  I am fighting discouragement because life doesn't seem to have any down times lately.  Life has been stressful constantly since well I can't remember when.  And the financial stress is a bit overwhelming at times. The last thing we need financially at this point is big plumbing bill.  Trusting God to provide financially is difficult.

Today Mike goes for his first PSA test post surgery and I would be lying if I didn't admit I am on pins and needles.  He has two weeks back to work under his belt and is doing well. He is tired at the end of the day... getting use to being on his feet for 8 hours again.  Overall though I have been pleasantly surprised at how well he is handling things, even sharing things with others that I would have never thought he'd share.

Thankfully we have hit a more consistent weather temperature of late.  So episode of joint pain have been fewer. Unfortunately Hannah's disease process is worsening and we had to make the decision to add sub- q injections of methotrexate to her therapy.  Also her TMJ issues are worsening so she is scheduled to have more steroid injections in her jaw on July 5th.

Many have asked how you can pray... just knowing your praying is a huge encouragement.  If you could pray against discouragement & fear would be fantastic and that God would show His provision we would greatly appreciate it.

Ups and downs.....

The weather here has been a bit fickle as of late... last Tuesday it barely reached 73 degrees and then we had 4 days of temps in the 90's, next week its suppose to be back in the mid 70's.  The ups and downs of spring heading into summer I guess. 

Ups and downs seem to be a big part of our lives right now.  The weather has caused a bit of joint pain issues, Lucas has been complaining of jaw pain and Rachel has been running a temp for about a week.  Mike is recovering well
although some days it doesn't move fast enough for him. So yeah lots of ups and downs. 

May ended up being a brutal month. I had really anticipated the surgery being
the end of the scary craziness.... actually it only continued and added extra dimensions with recovery, sorting out short term disability and the loads of medical expense. So here's to hoping June will be better!

Along with the craziness of life right now~ Lucas is losing his best buddy on our circle.  So in a temporary lapse of sanity we/I gave into his request for a kitten.
Yes just what we need right now a 3rd cat :).

                                                         
                                                                   Little Man & Harley
"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." ~ Epictetus

Happy Anniversary!

So this is a long overdue update.  On  Wednesday May 1st Mike had a radical prostatectomy. He was able to come home from the hospital on Thursday evening and has been recovering well.  He is a week and a half out and still a bit sore,but doing much better. Now the biggest challenge is trying to keep him from doing too much too soon :)

On Wednesday we got the best news. The cancer was all enclosed and had not broken out of the prostate.  And his lymph nodes and margins were
all clear! Next step will be to see what his next PSA level is in 6 
weeks.  But that was a pretty nice anniversary present.

As I reflect on our anniversary this year I would like to share an passage from a book a friend of mine was reading and shared:
             " I look into my husband's face.  His eyes are tired, his face
               is lined. He needs a haircut. But he is still handsome to me.
               Eighteen years ago I had the great good fortune of marrying
               a man who believes in showing up. He might not always know
               what to do. He might not always know the words to describe
               how he feels. But no matter how awkward or terrible the
               situation, no matter how bad the bad things get with Kitty,
               he will be there. I don't have to do this alone. At the moment,
                I can't imagine anything more romantic." ~ Brave Girl Eating
                                                                            by Harriet Brown

Now we've been married a bit longer and we are not dealing with anorexia. But we deal with chronic illness with the kiddos and various 
other trials that come from living in this fallen world. I
like this passage because I think when you get down to 
it that's what marriage is about showing up for the 
other person.  Making a choice to put the other person 
first isn't always easy but the past 21 years have been so 
worth it.  Happy anniversary my love!
      

Long days....

Today was a long day. Mike and I left the house at 8:30, after a quick stop at the bank and for coffee, we headed to Camp Hill for his MRI.  Then on to Hershey Medical Center to sign consent forms and meet with anesthesiology for his upcoming surgery May 1st.  We didn't leave Hershey until 4:30!

Thankfully my amazing Mom was able to go bring our kiddos some dinner. We
have changed our diet pretty drastically eating organic and very little processed foods... the downside to that is there are very few quick and easy
meals for a 17 year old boy to cook.  It's a learning curve for all of us.

We are dealing with a great deal of anxiety simmering beneath the surface with the kids.  Tempers flare much more easily and more often lately. It's a battle to show grace sometimes. I am so thankful that His mercies are new every day. 

I just want all of you who take the time to bring us before the throne of grace.  We appreciate you deeply!

Spring

Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. ~ Virgil A. Kraft

Spring always shows up right on time.  Just when you think you can't possibly take anymore of Winter...there pops up a crocus with the promise that Spring is on its way.
Today I saw a bit of Spring... yes I know the signs of Spring are all around us... but
my life right now feels a bit like Winter has me in its grasp and doesn't want to let go.

These days I feel a bit like Job's wife, just when you think it can't possibly get worse
somethings else bad happens.  And though my head knows that God is in control and He loves me... my heart well thats another story.  So today my heavenly Father reminded me
He knows how I feel.  Today a women who really doesn't know me or whats going on in our lives prayed for me.. and as she prayed and spoke over me it was if she could read
my mind.  She couldn't ~ but God can and He used her to remind me that He loves me
and He has a plan in all this that He can redeem this situation.

The frequent weather changes have made life a bit challenging lately with the kiddos.
Joint pain seems to be status quo around here.

Mike and I met with his urologist last week to discuss when to do surgery... only to
decide to go to Hershey for a consult.  Studies have proven places where a higher volume of surgeries are done the better the outcomes tend to be...the old addage practice makes perfect comes to mind. So Tuesday we should have a bit more information.

Some of you know I like to be able to plan things out and these days there are so many different variables in play the only option is taking one day at a time...which is hard for me. Each day sometimes many times a day I have to remind myself not to be afraid to trust this unknown future to a known God.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who has kept us alive, and has preserved us, and enabled us to reach this season.

He is Risen!!

Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but He has risen. Remember how He told you while He was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise. - Luke 24:5b-7 

I am so thankful for the hope in Christ! Life is hard but I serve a God who has
a plan and keeps his promises. No matter what happens in this life I can focus on the cross and know that if He could bring something so beautiful and  wonderful out of the cross... then He can bring something beautiful and wonderful out of what I'm going through.

We saw the radiology oncologist last week. The good news is that Mike's
bone scan and CT scan were clear and we are praising God for that.  Now we just have to make a decision about treatment. Because he is relatively young he is not happy about the side effects treatment offers... so we are praying
for God to show us the best plan of action.

This week has been our Spring Break and it hasn't seemed like much of a break instead it's been a week filled with doctor visits and such. There is hope though... the end is near.  This is always the time of year that I start
looking forward to the end of school.  I love homeschooling my children more
than anything but this is the time when we do testing and feel the pressure of finishing well. So I am looking forward to the lazy days of summer.

The other nice thing about Spring is the break in the cold wet weather. I am
ready for the household joint issues to level out. It can be wearing on me to always have one of the children in a state of discomfort. With everything else
going on I am having the worst time keeping my emotions under control. It
seems like I am always on the verge of tears.

See I am not strong, I really am not... thankfully I don't have to be.  I am resting in my Fathers strength. I need Him to show me His ways , to help me see the big picture.  Just like the cross He can bring beauty from this pain. He never wastes a trial, pain, or tear.

Trials.....

It's been a long week.  Tonight I held Hannah at bedtime while she cried as her heart was breaking for two young boys... and her own father and I had no words to console her.

Last Sunday brought news that a former colleague had been murdered by her husband who then ended his own life.  Their young sons were 
in the house. Poppet being close in age and tenderhearted has felt an immense burden for the boys.

Also on Tuesday we received the results of Mike's biopsy.  Three out of the 12 samples they took are cancerous. His Gleason score was 7~
fairly aggressive. So it has been a long emotionally draining week.  On Wednesday Mike had a bone scan since he has had some persistent lower back pain to see if it has spread. On Monday he has a CT scan.

Twice this week I have been asked by my children now...why doesn't God just come back for us.  Cody has not had a good week pain wise and so after Wed. nights study of Ezekiel he said, " I just wish Jesus would come for us I'm tired of being in pain and now worrying about dad....".  Hannah's question tonight "if God could let something that bad happen to Miss Amanda then what will happen to Daddy?" And me I finally cried.

All week I have been fighting crying I think I was afraid if i started I might not stop. That and I really hate losing control... and if I'm crying I don't feel like I'm in control.

So we could use your prayers.  And I'm clinging too and encouraging my children to cling to the fact that although we live in a fallen world full of evil,  sickness, and pain that we are only still here because God loves us so much that He is still drawing men unto himself and the promise "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed " 1 Peter 1:6 & 7

Longing for full nights sleep.....

Tonight finds me fairly exhausted. This morning at 5:30 am you could find me in the family room crying out to God and asking for mercy.  Our Lucas has SPD or Sensory Processing Disorder.  And although it is not a constant issue but falling asleep and staying asleep can sometimes be a big struggle for him.

Early.. very early this morning 1:30 am to be exact he was wide awake.  I believe he finally crashed somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00 am.  Unfortunately everyone in the house was awake at some point during those
early morning hours. Needless to say we all slept through the alarm for church
and since I work on Sundays it's been a long day.

This is going to be a difficult week for Mike's biopsy on Tuesday. Thankfully
Cody is feeling well! H has had a few issues with jaw pain and knee pain, but she felt good enough to go on an outing with a friend so she seems to be turning the corner.

So tonight we sleep... well at least I hope so! Tonight we are trying a fan for some white noise.  It may be time to invest in that weighted blanket.

A bump in the road...

22 days... Cody is now 22 days into a "flare"? We had thought after the infusion of the 21st he would be better, but although his temp dropped
during the infusion he was running a low grade temp again the next day.
No one else in the house is sick so it has to be his issue.

The big problem right now is the pain. We have tried a couple different
ones now.  Neurontin helped with the pain but totally knocked him out.
Cymbalta does not work as well but maybe it needs to build up in his system?
It is so frustrating to see him in pain and not be able to do anything!
Its also discouraging to ask "How do you feel today?" and hear "I'm in a lot 
of pain".....UGH!

Meanwhile we are facing another bump in the road.  Michael went to the doctors at the end of January with what we thought was going to be another kidney stone. He had blood in his urine and back pain. They did an x-ray and could not find any stones. What they did find upon exam is a lump in his prostate. Today he had a urology appointment. The urologist did his PSA level (PSA is a protein produced by both normal and cancerous prostate cells. A high level of PSA can be a sign of cancer) His was a 7.1 at his age it is supposed to be under 4. He will be having a biopsy on the 26th.  Trying to not worry until 
it's warranted is easier said than done.