Happy Anniversary!

So this is a long overdue update.  On  Wednesday May 1st Mike had a radical prostatectomy. He was able to come home from the hospital on Thursday evening and has been recovering well.  He is a week and a half out and still a bit sore,but doing much better. Now the biggest challenge is trying to keep him from doing too much too soon :)

On Wednesday we got the best news. The cancer was all enclosed and had not broken out of the prostate.  And his lymph nodes and margins were
all clear! Next step will be to see what his next PSA level is in 6 
weeks.  But that was a pretty nice anniversary present.

As I reflect on our anniversary this year I would like to share an passage from a book a friend of mine was reading and shared:
             " I look into my husband's face.  His eyes are tired, his face
               is lined. He needs a haircut. But he is still handsome to me.
               Eighteen years ago I had the great good fortune of marrying
               a man who believes in showing up. He might not always know
               what to do. He might not always know the words to describe
               how he feels. But no matter how awkward or terrible the
               situation, no matter how bad the bad things get with Kitty,
               he will be there. I don't have to do this alone. At the moment,
                I can't imagine anything more romantic." ~ Brave Girl Eating
                                                                            by Harriet Brown

Now we've been married a bit longer and we are not dealing with anorexia. But we deal with chronic illness with the kiddos and various 
other trials that come from living in this fallen world. I
like this passage because I think when you get down to 
it that's what marriage is about showing up for the 
other person.  Making a choice to put the other person 
first isn't always easy but the past 21 years have been so 
worth it.  Happy anniversary my love!
      

Long days....

Today was a long day. Mike and I left the house at 8:30, after a quick stop at the bank and for coffee, we headed to Camp Hill for his MRI.  Then on to Hershey Medical Center to sign consent forms and meet with anesthesiology for his upcoming surgery May 1st.  We didn't leave Hershey until 4:30!

Thankfully my amazing Mom was able to go bring our kiddos some dinner. We
have changed our diet pretty drastically eating organic and very little processed foods... the downside to that is there are very few quick and easy
meals for a 17 year old boy to cook.  It's a learning curve for all of us.

We are dealing with a great deal of anxiety simmering beneath the surface with the kids.  Tempers flare much more easily and more often lately. It's a battle to show grace sometimes. I am so thankful that His mercies are new every day. 

I just want all of you who take the time to bring us before the throne of grace.  We appreciate you deeply!

Spring

Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. ~ Virgil A. Kraft

Spring always shows up right on time.  Just when you think you can't possibly take anymore of Winter...there pops up a crocus with the promise that Spring is on its way.
Today I saw a bit of Spring... yes I know the signs of Spring are all around us... but
my life right now feels a bit like Winter has me in its grasp and doesn't want to let go.

These days I feel a bit like Job's wife, just when you think it can't possibly get worse
somethings else bad happens.  And though my head knows that God is in control and He loves me... my heart well thats another story.  So today my heavenly Father reminded me
He knows how I feel.  Today a women who really doesn't know me or whats going on in our lives prayed for me.. and as she prayed and spoke over me it was if she could read
my mind.  She couldn't ~ but God can and He used her to remind me that He loves me
and He has a plan in all this that He can redeem this situation.

The frequent weather changes have made life a bit challenging lately with the kiddos.
Joint pain seems to be status quo around here.

Mike and I met with his urologist last week to discuss when to do surgery... only to
decide to go to Hershey for a consult.  Studies have proven places where a higher volume of surgeries are done the better the outcomes tend to be...the old addage practice makes perfect comes to mind. So Tuesday we should have a bit more information.

Some of you know I like to be able to plan things out and these days there are so many different variables in play the only option is taking one day at a time...which is hard for me. Each day sometimes many times a day I have to remind myself not to be afraid to trust this unknown future to a known God.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who has kept us alive, and has preserved us, and enabled us to reach this season.

He is Risen!!

Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but He has risen. Remember how He told you while He was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise. - Luke 24:5b-7 

I am so thankful for the hope in Christ! Life is hard but I serve a God who has
a plan and keeps his promises. No matter what happens in this life I can focus on the cross and know that if He could bring something so beautiful and  wonderful out of the cross... then He can bring something beautiful and wonderful out of what I'm going through.

We saw the radiology oncologist last week. The good news is that Mike's
bone scan and CT scan were clear and we are praising God for that.  Now we just have to make a decision about treatment. Because he is relatively young he is not happy about the side effects treatment offers... so we are praying
for God to show us the best plan of action.

This week has been our Spring Break and it hasn't seemed like much of a break instead it's been a week filled with doctor visits and such. There is hope though... the end is near.  This is always the time of year that I start
looking forward to the end of school.  I love homeschooling my children more
than anything but this is the time when we do testing and feel the pressure of finishing well. So I am looking forward to the lazy days of summer.

The other nice thing about Spring is the break in the cold wet weather. I am
ready for the household joint issues to level out. It can be wearing on me to always have one of the children in a state of discomfort. With everything else
going on I am having the worst time keeping my emotions under control. It
seems like I am always on the verge of tears.

See I am not strong, I really am not... thankfully I don't have to be.  I am resting in my Fathers strength. I need Him to show me His ways , to help me see the big picture.  Just like the cross He can bring beauty from this pain. He never wastes a trial, pain, or tear.

Trials.....

It's been a long week.  Tonight I held Hannah at bedtime while she cried as her heart was breaking for two young boys... and her own father and I had no words to console her.

Last Sunday brought news that a former colleague had been murdered by her husband who then ended his own life.  Their young sons were 
in the house. Poppet being close in age and tenderhearted has felt an immense burden for the boys.

Also on Tuesday we received the results of Mike's biopsy.  Three out of the 12 samples they took are cancerous. His Gleason score was 7~
fairly aggressive. So it has been a long emotionally draining week.  On Wednesday Mike had a bone scan since he has had some persistent lower back pain to see if it has spread. On Monday he has a CT scan.

Twice this week I have been asked by my children now...why doesn't God just come back for us.  Cody has not had a good week pain wise and so after Wed. nights study of Ezekiel he said, " I just wish Jesus would come for us I'm tired of being in pain and now worrying about dad....".  Hannah's question tonight "if God could let something that bad happen to Miss Amanda then what will happen to Daddy?" And me I finally cried.

All week I have been fighting crying I think I was afraid if i started I might not stop. That and I really hate losing control... and if I'm crying I don't feel like I'm in control.

So we could use your prayers.  And I'm clinging too and encouraging my children to cling to the fact that although we live in a fallen world full of evil,  sickness, and pain that we are only still here because God loves us so much that He is still drawing men unto himself and the promise "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed " 1 Peter 1:6 & 7

Longing for full nights sleep.....

Tonight finds me fairly exhausted. This morning at 5:30 am you could find me in the family room crying out to God and asking for mercy.  Our Lucas has SPD or Sensory Processing Disorder.  And although it is not a constant issue but falling asleep and staying asleep can sometimes be a big struggle for him.

Early.. very early this morning 1:30 am to be exact he was wide awake.  I believe he finally crashed somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00 am.  Unfortunately everyone in the house was awake at some point during those
early morning hours. Needless to say we all slept through the alarm for church
and since I work on Sundays it's been a long day.

This is going to be a difficult week for Mike's biopsy on Tuesday. Thankfully
Cody is feeling well! H has had a few issues with jaw pain and knee pain, but she felt good enough to go on an outing with a friend so she seems to be turning the corner.

So tonight we sleep... well at least I hope so! Tonight we are trying a fan for some white noise.  It may be time to invest in that weighted blanket.

A bump in the road...

22 days... Cody is now 22 days into a "flare"? We had thought after the infusion of the 21st he would be better, but although his temp dropped
during the infusion he was running a low grade temp again the next day.
No one else in the house is sick so it has to be his issue.

The big problem right now is the pain. We have tried a couple different
ones now.  Neurontin helped with the pain but totally knocked him out.
Cymbalta does not work as well but maybe it needs to build up in his system?
It is so frustrating to see him in pain and not be able to do anything!
Its also discouraging to ask "How do you feel today?" and hear "I'm in a lot 
of pain".....UGH!

Meanwhile we are facing another bump in the road.  Michael went to the doctors at the end of January with what we thought was going to be another kidney stone. He had blood in his urine and back pain. They did an x-ray and could not find any stones. What they did find upon exam is a lump in his prostate. Today he had a urology appointment. The urologist did his PSA level (PSA is a protein produced by both normal and cancerous prostate cells. A high level of PSA can be a sign of cancer) His was a 7.1 at his age it is supposed to be under 4. He will be having a biopsy on the 26th.  Trying to not worry until 
it's warranted is easier said than done.

Waiting well..............

    Well I bit the bullet and sent Cody's application to the NIH. Praying now that he will fit into a genome study. I know that we still might not find a definitive answer however its a new avenue to pursue.

    Next week we will start a new semester... ready to leave this last semester full of pain behind and start a new fresh semester.  Rachel left 
on Sunday to start her new semester at Eastern University. Hannah, Lucas and I are just keep plugging away.

    I was reminded this week of a quote by Elizabeth Elliot, "Waiting on God
requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it 
intrudes upon one's thoughts." I long to wait well and not grow weary but, waiting well is a challenge. How does one wait well?...when things don't make sense? Trust.  Reminding ourselves of God's past faithfulness and remembering that He never changes builds our trust.

   He is faithful even when I am faithless.  Just last week Luke started OT
again and I had just about given up hope... just two sessions and we are beginning to see improvement.  I'm very grateful because his vestibular 
issues had become overwhelming were causing my head to spin.

  So what have I learned this month?  Waiting and trusting is a process
that although difficult is rewarding.  And it's worth it to trust my unknown
future to a known God.

                               Cody with new little cousin

                                       Rachel, Luke, Hannah with cousins 

Steady my heart in this bright new year !

2012 ended in a whirlwind.  November and December brought on a 
seemingly never ending flare for C.  Working part-time, homeschooling and managing all the medical needs of our household along with the holidays stretched me fairly thin.

I don't know about you~ maybe it comes with being a mom~ but I'm a people pleaser and I hate to say no if it's going to disappoint someone. But life at the hectic pace it was in these last two months... did not afford me the opportunity to say yes to everything.  The hardest part was telling myself its okay to say no.

Lately I have been feeling stretched super thin... I actually forgot Rachel and Lukes's eye appointment even though they called and reminded me a couple days before..ugh! I am trying to streamline appointments and school schedules just to survive.  In the midst of all my distress at not being good enough at all this mothering stuff God spoke to me and reminded me I need to rest more in Him.  Because I cannot do this on my own and I don't have to... He is right there waiting for me to ask for His help.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

“Better a handful with quietness than both hands full, together with toil and grasping for the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 4:6)

I'm not exactly sure what happened but it seems I turned around 
and Thanksgiving is past.  November has been a rough month.  
Cody has had a rough go of it. The bad days have definitely 
outnumbered the good days. 

A week before Thanksgiving we ended up in the ER with a terrible
case of pleurisy/ costrochondritis that made it difficult to breath.
He has spent most of the month on prednisone which makes him
ever so much fun to be around (not). After about four good days
it is back.

Rachel was home for five days, that visit went by entirely too fast! 
In three weeks though she will be home for Christmas break.

Although this month that we celebrate our thankfulness has been
one that has been tenuous to say the least... I am well aware of
the many blessings we have. I am finding that having a thankful heart 
is sometimes an act of my will.  I have to choose to not look at
the overwhelming circumstances and threatening clouds and look
at the good things instead. That doesn't mean I walk around in denial
of the bad circumstances... it means I have to remember that
God has brought us through troubled times before. I do not 
believe he has brought us this far to leave us now.

I read somewhere that bad days cause faith's rubber to meet 
life's road.  And I found as it says in Ecclesiastes 4:6 Better a handful
with quietness than both hands full, together with toil and grasping
for the wind.

November comes and November goes with the last red berries and and the first white snows....Clyde Watson

I looked out the window just now and its snowing, and this poem came to mind...

The first to fall is the first to go.
Earth wears its mantle damp and chill-
Patina of November snow.

Leaves raged with fire just days ago-
Now grays, ash browns, pale yellows tell
The first to fall are the first to go.

Remains of harvest in desolate row
Brace for the final winter kill
Beneath their shroud of November snow.

The rakes now dry, the plow and hoe
Await Spring's promise to fulfill-
The first to fall are the first to go.

Lit by the sky's anemic glow
The pines are standing stiff and still,
defiant of November snow.

In barns of silence wait those who know
What lies beneath the fields they till-
The first to fall are the first to go,
Together with November snow.

November Snow by Joseph Pacheco

I am not sure I am ready for snow just yet, I am not sure I am ready to give
up the beauty and richness of autumn for the seeming bleakness of winter.
Oh winter is beautiful too! I honestly love for Thanksgiving to start the swing of the Holiday season.  

The thing about winter is that looks are deceiving.  It would appear to the naked eye that everything is gray and dead, but all the while the foundations for spring are being laid.  Life is like that at times too.  It would seem all
hope is lost and yet we do not know what God is doing behind the scenes.
Galatians 4:4-5 tells us 'But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His son, born of a women, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.'

So the question is how will you weather your winter season? God is always
in control, He is always working behind the scenes putting His plan in motion.
Will praise Him for what you can't see and trust Him?

There is a reason it's called a sacrifice of praise....

     Just when I think I have accepted the fact that we may never have a definitive
diagnosis for Cody and that I am okay with that reality rears it's ugly head.  You see
Cody is looking at colleges to visit, he is trying to do the normal things 16 almost
17 year old boys do.... But reality is he has a chemotherapy infusion every three weeks
to control an unnamed disease he has been fighting since our first hospital visit at
5 weeks of age.  And now he is having less then 3 weeks relief between those said
infusions.
        Although he has been taken care by one of the best pediatric rheumatology  
programs around and we have excellent communication with them we are learning
that adult rheumatology is not the same. Cody will be 17 in December so we
have approximately a year left with our doctor and then what???
        We are looking into seeing how we can get Cody into see Dr. Kastner at the 
National Institute Of Health he is working on a genome project with fever syndromes.
I have a strong feeling that we are going to need some documentation heading into
adult rheumatology and his college career.  And really its more than that I have always
felt a great need to know the enemy we are fighting.... just to have a name to put to
this "thing" that attempts to take over our lives so very often.
       So we move ahead not exactly sure of what lies ahead... as a quote I read today
said," when God closes doors, you've got to praise Him in the hallway".

          

Be still....

  R and I were talking about how the semester is just about
halfway over... wow.  On Wednesday I get to bring our girl home
for her first visit in eight weeks (we've been up to see her but,
she hasn't been home in that time).  It's going to be so nice
to have under our own roof for a couple days.

  It is really a marvelous thing to see your children grow and mature.
R is finding her niche at school and that is wonderful to see.
C is plugging away on his full schedule and senior project. H 
and L are showing great strides as independent learners.  All these
things make life so much more pleasurable for this mama.

  Children although loads of work are blessings in thousands of ways.
I think mine have taught me much more than I've ever taught them.

   On Wednesday night L came home from church telling me he
needed to spend time every night letting God speak to him.  So that
evening oh about 20 minutes after he laid down, he sought me out...
"Mom", he says ,"I don't know what to do God's just not talking .."
We ended up having a great conversation about prayer and reading God's 
word (of course it reminded me about how impatient I am for God to speak
and answer me at times).

         "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted
         among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."
                                Psalm 46:10